Slightly Mad, Totally Eccentric

This is my favorite conversation from an online dating site that I have been on for two years. I never saw a picture of the other person, but I enjoyed his writing style. The following is a fun, silly conversation that I had when I answered the following profile “advertisement.”

To protect the privacy of my conversation partner, I will limit his name to BB.

Advertisement as follows:

1) Self-summary of BB:

Evil, mad genius seeks slinky assistant to help plot world domination.

I am evil, dominant, cynical, and nocturnal.

2) What Im doing with my life:

Being Evil in every way imaginable.

3) Im really good at:

Bwahahaha!

4) The first things people usually notice about me:

A maniacal glint in my eye, followed by hideous bone-chilling laughter.

5) Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

Your so-called culture bores me.

6) Six things I could never do without:

I could do without anything! Anything, you understand? As long as the world someday is mine! All mine! Do you hear me?

7) I spend a lot of time thinking about:

What I will do someday, when the world is All Mine!

8) On a typical Friday night I am:

Bending weak individuals to my will.

9) Other:

Fair warning. I am here for playing games. Why are so many people against games? Games can be fun! That doesn’t mean I’m a gamer or obsessed with them, but I do like to play games.

Height is measured from the tips of my marching band boots to the top of the sousaphone. If you can’t accept me as I am, then I suggest you find another sousaphone partner.

*******

Dear Mr. BB:

Sunday – 12:00pm

Hey, I’m not slinky (sigh) and I don’t need a job right now, but I was wondering what a sousaphone was, so that I could spot you in the crowd in the picture you posted? If the candy is chocolate, maybe I might be interested, and I finally figured out why you came up when I searched for “gamer,” lol. Sorry, but I created a nice little kingdom of my own already (I guess I snatched a part of your globe), and it’s cool. Besides that, I have a virtual kingdom– how about you?

Sincerely,

FD

****

Sunday – 2:18pm

Hello FD,

I have an undisclosed location, and I am in the process of stockpiling all kinds of necessities for the coming storm. While I am allergic to chocolate, I keep a supply because I’ve noticed that it is an effective, er, “bait” for a certain kind of slinky assistant. Slinkiness is an attitude as much as a way of life. I think it can be learned, though I would not be the best teacher.

What do you like to do, when you are not searching for sousaphone playing gamers?

Kind regards,

BB

****

Sunday – 4:35pm

BB,

When not searching for the sousaphone playing gamers, I’m lording it over my clan/harem of hardcore Runescape fellows. I have a nice little kingdom there and totally have everyone enslaved. I don’t even share the glory with my general; he’s only 2nd in command. In addition to that, I round up other people that are also addicted to the languages and dramas that I’m interested in and use technology to keep everything humming. Once in a while I hop on this dating site to read interesting profiles and see if any gamers have strayed from their mouses and are looking online for fellow geeks/nerds/outliers. I am hoping to escape the storm by finding that inter-spatial dislocation of time/space and slip through to one of the other realities when the time comes. I found out that there are probably 1000’s of world out there from one of my dramas– just need to locate them and make the leap of faith.

I had fun reading your profile and you are just outrageous enough to be interesting.

Respectfully sometimes,

FD

****

Sunday – 6:53pm

Dear FD,

Nice little queendom you have there. It would be a shame if *something* were to happen to it. Bwahahahaha! Would you like to step into my laboratory sometime? Rest reassured, I’m not threatening you. However, I do seem to have rather high turnover with laboratory assistants. The few who have survived never seem to want to talk to me again for some strange reason. The last one ended up nearly frozen solid in a cave in the Himalayas, but I was able to thaw her out before any digits needed to be amputated.

I have all kinds of gadgets and gizmos that pass for technology. I’ve been working on my flying boatcar for sometime, and think that it might be airworthy, but still not quite seaworthy. It sort of resembles a 1960s vintage Batmobile, but with wings and a rudder.

Outrageous, you say? I’ve never been more outraged in my life! Well, maybe once or twice.

Arrogantly always,

BB

****

Monday – 9:20pm

BB,

It’s totally outrageous if you are using a vintage Batmobile as your prototype. I would opt more for the disc shape myself, but that is because I’m partial to UFO’s and separated Star Trek emergency vessels.

If you are still diddling around with cryptogenics instead of working with quantum space warps, no wonder you have a high turnover in lab assistants and rely on Batmobiles for inspiration. You have got to move along with the times and get busy with gravitational levitation and copper electromagnetic fields to generate the kind of energy you are going to need.

I can’t believe that your lab rats would let a small thing like being chilly get in the way of science. Did they not jump at the chance to explore the relics of the Himalayas? I hear there are some really old Tibetan monks who have lived a long time and specialize in different kinds of forgotten sciences. Might be the jumping off point for a new flight invention at least. Necessity has always been the mother of invention and the Himalayas are tall; a jump would necessitate some quick inventing, lol.

Are your gadgets and gismos just passing for technology or are they technology? or, are “they” just not admitting yet that they are technology? And don’t write off the power of the mind. After all, what can be imagined will eventually be invented, and what one quantum particle reacts to, its other 1/2 mirrors. So, it’s just a matter of time before someone harnesses cellular memory and brings it all together. Could just as easily be me as them, one never knows.

Metaphysically always, surreptitiously arrogant,

FD

****

Yesterday – 11:52pm

To FD,

Yes, <ahem> well. Disc shapes have their advantages, but if you have ever donned one of those aluminum discs used for sledding in snow, I would propose that we meet somewhere in the middle and come up with a transformative design that confuses and strikes fear into the hearts of those poor denizens of any community we seek to terrorize. We could come in riding a giant drinky bird in one place; holding a ventriloquist’s dummy in the other. My latest intelligence informs me that if we dress as clowns, we are likely to prevail more than half the time. I want better odds than that. Or odder bets.

No matter. <sweeps cape aside> I would say that the binomial theorem is pass and that we are likely to see a new era of infinitesimal crash test dummies clogging our streets.

I’ve been working on a new blockchain algorithm made of different luncheon meats other than the ubiquitous SPAM. In addition to the obvious bologna and salami, I am trying to do some recursion with various vegetable proteins that are cleverly disguised as non-meat meat substitutes that meet in the middle as proof of work.

You would have to drag the Tibetans into this mess, wouldn’t you? I suppose the next thing you will say is, “When the Dalai Lama and I were having tea, and discussing the origins of infinity, we had in mind a way to bring the planet together peacefully, and get evil mad scientists to help us make prayer flags.”

Or maybe you were just thinking it. Or I was thinking you were thinking it. Well, to answer the question that I think you were trying to ask, I don’t think much of prayer flags. I have my gadgets and gizmos (I notice that your dialect / speech impediment requires you to say gismos, but I still understand what you are trying to say) and you may find them crude, but they are much better than prayer flags. Or prayer flags in harnesses.

Bring all the cellular memory and mirrors you can muster. Optics are destiny.

Suspiciously gone,

BB

****

9/27/2017

Dear BB:

For striking fear into the hearts of the plebeians, I would choose to make an epic entrance riding a Phoenix. Your intelligence is correct and clowns do inspire fear in the hearts of many, so this assistant would like to dress in something more inspiring. I prefer to the win allegiance of my subjects by charming them into submission. Fear can be overcome by courage, but loyalty born of awe and respect can last a lifetime. Something between a fairy Godmother and a Chinese Empress might suffice as a costume. Whatever it is should have lots of either tulle and glitter, or satin and embroidery.

If the subjects prove unruly, we could torch your ventriloquist dummy to awe them into submission, since I dont have any particular use for a dummy and they are almost as scary as clowns.

Everyone knows that the government has saucers and transformers, or Hollywood wouldnt get away with making conspiracy movies about them. So, I opt for the resurrected Phoenix because its different from the mundane flying dragons and much more useful if you need feather accessories for a gown. I believe that is a fair compromise to your plastic drinky bird which sounds a lot like those pink flamingos and are too common to inspire anything but apathy.

As for the binomial theorem, Ill leave that for your incredible intellect to deal with. I didnt get to calculus or wherever they hid that theorem, so Ill just oo and aw like a proper lab assistant should when you work with it. We might be able to use the crash dummies as spare parts for some of your experiments seeing as how you have an abundance of gismos (verified alternative spelling and not a speech impediment btw) and gadgets lying about. But since Im not into corpses, living or otherwise that might resemble once loyal subjects, youll have to keep them in a designated workspace where my Phoenix wont see them and become perturbed.

You might want to consider using mealworms as a protein substitute, although it isnt quite thought of as a vegetable, Im sure its not considered to be a red meat, and the chickens probably do not consider them cousins, since they would happily chow them down. If you are clever enough, no one would know the difference between a mealworm substitute and that disgusting invention called SPAM. I hear they even eat that overseas and consider it to be edible. Im not sure you even need math or algorithms to crush the worms and mix them properly. Im quite sure that some Tibetans would take offense if served mealworms, because from what I hear they may be against eating anything that wiggles. However, there are different kinds of Tibetans because I saw some with animals, and they looked like they were destined for the dinner plate. Harsh climates tend to dictate ones diet and mealworms might finance your road to glory in Tibet.

I wouldnt dream of asking a scientist, mad or otherwise, to create prayer flags. After all, prayer flags demand a certain level of artistic talent and scientists are more inclined to algorithms and theorems than art. I much prefer the lantern and ghost festivals where they light up the sky with flying lanterns and sail little tea lights in the ponds and rivers. Prayer flags just dont seem to convey the same amount of effort involved in setting the sky alight with colored lanterns and floating lots of little biodegradable offerings on the water.

Of course, as a scepter, I would absolutely have to have a wand that trailed sparkles as I moved it. So, youll have to use those theorems to figure out how to achieve that awe inspiring marvel. And the sparkles should definitely match the plumage of my Phoenix. Now that I think of it, how does a mad scientist dress when not considering renting a clown outfit? I wouldnt rely too much on your information sources, they could be wrong and they may not understand the preferences of your demographic niche that you are trying to impress. You only have to impress the controlling elite and the masses will numbly follow.

Now, I know a fellow by the name of Evil Dave and he lives in the basement of his mothers home in Edgeville. He has complete control over his kingdom of hell-rats and is a force to be reckoned with until he climbs out of the basement. I often take my cats down there to train them in fierce combat and win the title of Hell Cat. I bring this up because there are levels and nuances associated with the word evil and I was wondering what your specialty was. Although basements are cozier, you sound like you have an affinity with cave systems seeing as how an assistant ended up in one said cave in the Himalayas. Do you also train hell-rats? Do you feed them the left over SPAM? Is that how they became hellish in the first place?

Were going have to negotiate the mode of transportation heavy metal just isnt my thing.

FD

****

Wednesday October 3, 2017

To FD,

<cough cough>

Sorry, I had a lab explosion this weekend that prevented me from being able to do anything other than flail my arms wildly, shouting incoherent babble at dazed minions. Yes, I know that is only a short distance from typing incoherent babble in one of these machines, but the overall gestalt seems to be quite different.

One should not overestimate the amount of knowledge that Hollywood has of various conspiracies, nor should one underestimate the advanced stage of those conspiracies. Clowns, fairy godmothers, and Chinese empresses all sound like a mashup of the Wizard of Oz, the Last Emperor, and IT. Add a cameo by ET and maybe you could get Steven Spielberg to return your call. It is just a matter of time before someone does a Harry Potter / Dark Knight / Halloween / Freaky Friday mashup, where the Joker and Harry switch bodies. None dare call it conspiracy.

The image of flamingos and dragons circling high above the Himalayas sends me into a state of reverie that I cannot explain.

You ask how I dress. Since the explosion, I have spent most of my days in a soiled bathrobe and 20 year old slippers held together by duct tape. I hadn’t thought of donning a clown outfit for days until you reminded me. The controlling elite wereas you might expectless than impressed. However, I will someday show them, when the world is ALL MINE!! and they are reduced to being nothing more than my SLAVES!!!

This Evil Dave fellow. I think I met him at an Evil Conference a few years back. The hell-rats definitely ring a bell, but I thought of them more as hell-gerbils, and found nothing more hellacious about them than their odor. No, I don’t train hell-rats or feed them leftover SPAM. Note that I almost spelled it SPASM–Freudian slip. The ‘place’ was always hellish; the explanation is in the Matrix-like trope that most people choose to see things as they wish them to be, not as they actually are.

On the other hand, Hollywood has definitely imprinted Hell Cat in my deep, reptilian brain.

Caves, basements, abandoned warehouses, derelict hotels, salvaged shipwrecksthese are all milieus that I frequent. However, my favorite environment is the obscure forgotten academic building that is under dispute by feuding departments. If mysterious misfortunes happen, the Evil Mad Genius Hell-Bent On Global Domination is never the prime suspect. Instead, the Department Chairs each blame their colleagues and academic nemeses, saying that if they are able to get the facilities then such a tragedy could have been avoided. Meanwhile, I get to make mayhem across the campus, experimenting on unsuspecting undergraduates who are willing subjects for my innovative techniques of mind and body control.

So as Halloween approaches, may I suggest a Pumpkin drawn by a team of Hell-rats?

BB

****

October 7th 2017

To BB,

Now I see why you need a lab assistant — someone to keep an eye on your gizmos and gadgets and prevent them from exploding while you are off looking for slinky assistants. I sympathize with your minions and unsuspecting undergraduates if they haven’t learned how to dodge your flailing arms and flying bits of experiments. I wouldn’t be able to type coherently either with all that leftover electricity released by the explosion, static or otherwise, vibrating through the torso and jerking my digits spasmodically.

My pixel kingdom has also been acting up or out, depending on how one looks at it. While I’ve been happily hammering away at poisoned darts and investigating the new island off to the north, my subjects have been noisily bickering amongst themselves over who has more power and status. Meanwhile, one with less humor than the others has packed up his trunks and taken off for unknown parts to look for smaller pools where he can be a larger fish. With that one gone, I now am left with an even happier lot that good-naturedly bickers over status and ranks and how fast they can level up their universe-conquering skills. I didn’t even have to flail my arms, as I was able to watch and read it all from afar in a comfy red plaid bathrobe and fluffy pink slippers. I think that has more fashion sense than your poor frayed bathrobe and duct-taped slippers. In my pixel kingdom, fashion-scape is of the utmost importance.

For a slightly slinky lab assistant, you really should include “acquires new bathrobe and slippers periodically for the boss” in the job posting. It is up to the lab assistant to take care of the trivial matters of life in the cave. If ever visited by the controlling elite, at least you would be slightly more presentable and more on an even footing with them if your lab assistant kept your garb updated periodically. If you wish to remain unnoticed and blend into the background, you are simply going to have to dress more appropriately and approximate the casual loungewear of your undergraduates. Comfy pajamas that look similar to sweat suits or exercise attire with a bathrobe /trench coat might let you pass unnoticed amongst the dusty rooms of the forgotten academic building that you allege are under dispute by feuding departments. Personally, I think that some cranky old professor is just holding onto the key ring of the building and is refusing to let anyone else enter his domain because it is HIS. This is a devious plot to maintain control that is on a par with your world domination scheme. However, your scheme is much grander and more glorious and definitely will bring in more money than just a few dusty empty rooms. Your scheme focuses on acquiring, while his only focuses on maintaining what is already his. If you can locate the old curmudgeon, you might suggest that he acquire his own innovative lab assistant. But he may be happy with his key ring and may not dream of anything grander.

I finally Googled sousaphone. Much to my surprise, I was confusing it with a kazoo. No wonder I had trouble locating the correct instrument in the picture. Although horns are nice, I tend to lean towards the string instruments myself. I’ll have to see if there is a duet with a sousaphone on YouTube so that I can upgrade my knowledge base. Never know when I might need to pick one out in an orchestra.

For Halloween, I’ll probably have to content myself with stealing some feathers from my phoenix and gluing them to a pink flamingo to scare off the little door-ringers that bother everyone for a few hours that night. I have a perfectly good alternative plan for the evening other than venturing out into the streets filled with pint-sized horrors. I turn off all the lights in the house and enter into the nether regions of my walk-in closet. I watch Chinese fantasy dramas with my phoenix and toss my slinky (a vintage toy that you may not have heard of in the deep dark recesses of your cave) from one hand to the other. The sound slightly resembles a Feng Shui waterfall, although it’s rather metallic. It has a calming effect and might ward off the evil vibrations emanating from the chaos on the streets. The dramas create a visual similar to walking through a door into another world, much like in that magic wardrobe that the nephews uncle (who claimed to be a magician) had.

Learning to live with a pet snake in my room, one of life’s little adventures and adjustments….

FD

****

October 8, 2017

To FD,

I never meant to imply that being a laboratory assistant was a soft easy life that involved lounging around in virtual reality garb and furry costumes, getting recreationally shocked by various electrical currents. So many prospective minions appear in entirely impractical garb. Why, just last month, one arrived wearing vinyl thigh-high six-inch stilettos, a blood-red corset, and a Green Bay Packers helmet. She had the slink thing down, and the helmet was useful, when she triggered the trap that released 200 bowling balls. She made it across the moat mere moments before the drawbridge lifted.

So a red plaid bathrobe and fluffy pink slippers might be a “step up” as it were, but sensible shoes are encouraged. When the ruling elite come over, I have two different suits. One is a key lime green polyester leisure suit. The other is a chartreuse and burgundy checkered Dacron sport coat worn with teal corduroy trousers. Both have various oil stains, but I refuse to have them dry cleaned because it is a well established fact that the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission both have agents working in every dry cleaning shop in the world. Once they have the oil stain removed, they will have it analyzed and from that will be able to trace my undisclosed location.

Kazoos have a tremendous potential to inflict great evil in the world. Perhaps we can have a trio with a bassoon.

At various times, I have posed as an insurance salesman, a real estate appraiser, and a Wal*Mart greeter. These occupations more than any other seem to lull prospective victims into a false sense of security, inducing boredom and banality that make them completely unsuspecting of how evil one can be.

However, a little known fact is that in a previous life, I pitched my screenplay of “Feng Shui Fighting” to an ungrateful Hollywood producer. When the world is ALL MINE!!! then Hollywood will come under special scrutiny for payback for all kinds of sleights and slights. A magic wardrobe will not save them. Not by any means.

Was the snake invited, or did he / she / it follow you home?

BB

****

October 14, 2017

To BB,

I have to admit that visions of a woman with fabulous agility skills and vinyl thigh-high six-inch stilettos have been haunting my thoughts for the past week. The red corset wasnt such a big deal since Ive been eyeing a brilliant blue embroidered one for over a year myself, and can totally understand a penchant for cool accessories with lots of lacings. But try as I might, I find myself totally overwhelmed that such stupendous agility achievements, which include dodging flying bowling balls and leaping across moats failed to stimulate your sense of admiration. I would have hired her on the spot just on agility merits alone, but then I have a fondness for skilling and high skill levels as noted in my adventurers log. The highest boots that I have are red knee-high boots without any heels – comfortable, warm, but easier to run in than stilettos. I have to stay within my skill level range and I believe that the highest heel that I can run in is about 3 inches at this point. Sad, I know, but one must accept ones limitations.

My ruling elite seems pleased (or at least hasnt acquired any twitching eyelids or gasping sounds yet) by my attire. I blend in with the surrounding grunts and am totally relieved to say that I wont need to exit my cave for a while to acquire new costumes for the daily grind. Speaking of which, this new adventure is going rather well. Since they are slow in locating a pin number for me to get onto their computer system, I have been relegated to the mind-numbing and totally not anxiety producing job of faxing drawers full of documents to headquarters so that they become electronically stored (digitized is my preferred word, but one must use the local vernacular). I also get to help out in the mailroom on occasion and learn how to sort incoming mail with the other noob who is just 4 weeks ahead of me in noobdom. My greatest challenge is shadowing the customer service reps at the windows where they deal with the public and use the computers to answer questions and locate info. The computer format is still in black and green/white DOS looking codes with everything being acronymized (my first task, as I see it is to decipher this highly specific code language of acronyms so that I can make sense of the screens). It looks a lot like a cross between HTML, CSS, C script and governmentese thrown in. So, its do-able. I keep telling myself that, after all, I am superb with foreign languages, quite flexible with computers and their idiosyncrasies, and supposedly my GPAs from school say that I am highly intelligent. I hope this self-talk mantra crap helps to overcome the high anxiety levels that I have by the end of the week.

Since no one is interested in my location, I dont need to worry about someone examining the oil-stains on my clothing. I circumvented the interested spies long ago by using an assumed name on the web, paying in cash, and renting a room from unsuspecting nice people, which basically leaves few trails for the curious spies to follow. Plus, they arent going to find much beyond castle sets of Legos, too many Calvin Klein sunglasses, and more musical instruments than I have time to play at the moment.

I was going to say something about preferring stringed instruments to horns like bassoons, but, first I Googled YouTube to listen the bassoons. Wow, they have a really nice sound. Ive only seen/heard them as part of an orchestra, so getting to hear them on their own was a different experience. Could we dispense with the kazoo and just have a bassoon, and maybe someones viola instead? Im a sucker for alto range instruments.

I havent had as many different types of positions as you, since the educational and library fields seem so mundane in the first place that I felt quite safe and stable there. One would hardly look in them for an aspiring queen in the process of creating a kingdom. It seems to throw everyone off the scent and few realize that I am an outlier in disguise. I am pretty much a creature of habit although I cant tell if is laziness or a lack of flighty companions to follow into adventure at the moment. I do know that many of my adventures came from following others through the portals of U.S. customs and airport gateways.

Autumn is my favorite season because it is just begging for all kinds of changes in ones life – and generally, looking back over the years, it is when my most mind-boggling decisions have been made. Spring is when I get bored and opt to take up new hobbies or enroll in new classes – small changes that help me to navigate the status quo until autumn rolls around and something bizarre rears its charming head and beckons me into another adventure. I hear there is a Market downtown in Little Rock with a Pagoda style doorway. It could be a portal in disguise. For the first few weeks, I am concentrating on locating a decent Oriental Grocery store. I found an Asian market, but it was full of Indian foods and odd smells. It wasn’t at all the Asian that I was hoping for. Wrong portal, I guess.

The snake was a resident of the bedroom that I rented and had a prior claim to floor space. Due to its living quarters being 3ft by 4ft and taller than I am, it wasnt easily ousted due to sheer weight and volume. At least, it is quiet and doesnt interfere with my routine. Its owners tell me that it is depressed because its other snake friend died trying to escape their previous living quarters. I barely contained my urge to cheer and nodded sympathetically at the mention of the death of the second reptile. A depressed snake is much easier to have as a roommate since all it does is lay under its rock. If a snake tried to follow me home, I would have beheaded it in a nano-second with my hoe, as I have done countless times in the past. The hoe is my favorite farming/gardening tool and I probably would only have to take a few classes to reach black-belt status with it as my weapon of choice.

I haven’t submitted any scripts to Hollywood as I prefer to live out my adventures rather than write them down. In addition, that penchant for laziness that I mentioned means that I fail to plan my adventures in advance and am more apt to just wing it and take off when the opportunity presents itself. My daughter in Portland is currently winging it in Portland and if she will find a place for me to roll out a sleeping bag, I might visit her for a holiday. She and I darted off to Puerto Rico last spring for 8 glorious days to find out if Pia Coladas had milk products in them or not. We had to sample quite a few locations, because apparently not all are made the same way according to the advertisements on the walls of the establishments we visited. Hollywood might be interested in my adventures, but I’d need a ghostwriter to protect my identity and filter out the suspicious parts that added glamour to the adventure in the first place. I suppose I could just say I made it all up, and have a vivid imagination as an excuse.

Looking for dried squid and yellow pickled radish in Little Rock,

FD

****

Wednesday October 18, 2017 – 12:58am

To FD,

<re-emerges from his undisclosed location, eyes red and squinting>

WILL YOU KNOCK OFF THAT HORRIBLE RACKET!!!

er, sorry. I didn’t know it was you.

Portland and Puerto Rico are not the same thing, and if one looks at a map and divides it in half, one could still not find my undisclosed location.

A confession. After celebrating European Conquest day with El Nio, Pia Coladas, and assorted Santa Margaritas, I am still terribly hung-over. That condition may last another decade or two.

I like hoes as well, but seldom mention it in polite company.

I’m going back to my undisclosed location.

BB

****

October 20, 2017

To BB,

Well, my last two weeks haven’t been much better. Pixels from my kingdom are fluttering in a bunch of directions and I’m chasing them with my magic butterfly net and madly stuffing them into an imp jar until I have time to reassemble my errant pixels into some semblance of what my kingdom should look like.

I can now arrive at my destination without the aid of Siri’s Map when heading to and from my new job location. All other locations still need that snoot’s precise directions. My kingdom’s peasants/members are wondering where their leader has hidden and I can’t tell them that it’s easier to pull the goose down comforter over my head and sleep than prop myself up on the desk to click the mouse on the PC to mine gold and read subtitles about “The Bride of Haebak” on the Mac. Learning a new city, new roomies, and new job all at the same time might be the equivalent to blowing up your lab. I’m not sure where anything is, my routines are gone, and if it weren’t for snotty (oops, snooty) Siri, I’d never show up at work looking decent. I need to tell Siri to find some decent sushi this weekend. I wish I could have celebrated Conquest Day with you; it was probably gluten free, and much more fun than chasing pixels.

While in St Augustine with a friend, the pirate guide to the pubs told us that if you mix Lindemans Framboise Beer with a normal beer (like Heinekens or Corona, not that American crap – Coor or Buds) 50/50 you get a nice beverage called a “Dirty Hoe.” Of course, the pirate would never mention that in polite company either, but it was just us girls, lol.

Back to chasing fragmented pixels.

FD

****

Monday October 23, 2017

To FD,

My latest plan is to flood the world with Johnny Cash impersonators. The Elvis impersonators were a bold stroke, and were able to achieve many early objectives, but some fool in a gold lam suit perhaps picked up one of your stray pixels and found himself planted face-down beneath a police cruiser.

I have no idea how I got here or how to escape. All I know is that if I do not fully succeed in my evil plan, I am dead. Well, all of us are dead someday, according to empirical evidence, so that is not exactly news to you, but it is not something I wish to contemplate or convey.

In the meantime, if I find fragmented pixels on my living room floor, should I sweep them up and mail them to you?

If it is any reassurance, my lab is back together and better than ever. If, on the other hand, you fear my lab, then please be assured that it is in complete shambles and I cannot find a damn thing because the construction crew completely ignored by exacting instructions. In other words, it is no threat to you or your beloved pixels.

I have yet to be persuaded you are both interested and qualified to be a part of our project, but am not at this point willing to write you off completely. At some point an in-person interview at an undisclosed location will be necessary, and I am not sure that you will have the fortitude or foolishness to withstand being blindfolded, bonded by ropes, and locked in the trunk of an American luxury car by someone you’ve never met.

Our laboratory hires only the best. Or worst. Nothing in between. Mediocrity is our sworn enemy.

BB

****

October 28, 2017

BB,

You should definitely collect any stray pixels and safeguard them for me. A mason jar would be a perfect container as it is easily found and you can even watch them fluttering around.

Its nice to know that you have managed to rebuild your lab even though the crew didnt follow your precise instructions. Perhaps the rearrangement of things might provide added inspiration and new ideas. Im quite sure that I can handle your lab — organized or not – -seeing as how I have been coexisting with a depressed snake and three fat lazy cats, and two chain-smoking housemates (who do not “only” smoke on the outside balcony after all). I found that a can of WD-40 has made it easier to open and shut the window and regardless of whether that depressed snake freezes or not, I have access to fresh air. Door hinges that used to squeak when I wandered around at night no longer give away my nocturnal roaming habits when insomnia rears its restless head.

I havent applied to be a lab assistant. If you recall, I merely contacted you because your profile mentioned “gamer” and I was intrigued by the sousaphone and world domination plan. As one world leader to another, it has been interesting to compare our kingdom creation schemes and the qualities that we seek in our serfs/lab assistants. As I noted, I could never compete with the one applicant that could run in 6-inch stilettos, as I am limited to 3 inches. While you seem to lean more towards the dictator end of the bell curve, I require that my serfs mentor other serfs in order to rise in the ranks. I also encourage cross training in skills, although I am easy on them and only require 3-inch stiletto agility since I never ask more than I can deliver myself. It also occurred to me that while you are looking for a lab assistant, which implies a rank below yours, I was communicating as one kingdom leader to another — which unfortunately precludes being a mere assistant. Although, I wouldnt mind assisting in your particular reality as a co-conspirator, I would still retain leadership rights in my virtual reality – would that imply a conflict of interest?

I have never turned down a ride in a luxury car regardless of who the driver is. Luxury extends to the trunks and I imagine that they would have decent sound systems capable of providing nice music, lots of cushy pillows to absorb any bumps in the road, and be spacious enough and well ventilated enough to allow a comfortable secure environment for transportation. We are not talking about some cheap, third rate, get-away car here. As for being blindfolded and roped up, well, that is optional, I suppose. It would be just as effective to pick me up at a public location, let me clamber in with a bit of help and get comfortable and shut the lid. The lid would negate the need for ropes and blindfolds, and if you took away the cell phone, that would be more effective than anything since I would not be able to track our GPS locations. Seriously, you have to consider my command of the virtual world and how it sometimes preempts your efforts in the tangible reality of your limited world.

Now, as far as the quality that you are looking for in your applicants – mediocrity has its virtues since it has a larger pool of fish to choose from. If you only opt for the outliers of best and worst, you waste all the potential that sits inside of 95.46% of the 2 standard deviations. The range of agility and skill levels become narrow if you only look for outliers. Instead of mediocrity, I have always tried to strive for moderation with a touch of uniqueness. (“moderation” also starts with the letter m and makes me sound more normal and sane, which throws off those government agents looking for kingdom creators). Although, I believe my past life and adventures dont compare to the abysmally boring range of some of the moderate people living lives of mediocrity inside those 2 standard deviations, I dont want to peg myself as some weird outlier that has delusions of grandeur. I quietly live my grander life in the virtual realms of the pixels which passes unnoticed by a large percentage of the current world population and most of the government agents.

The last two Saturdays, I was allowed to work overtime as my command of the strange new language of acronyms has been slowly improving. Needless to say, it has whittled down my available time for living out a pixel life. 400 emails of stuff awaited my attention, most of which I was able to delete, and I finally changed the addresses for those interested 3rd parties that keep sending me mail about money and stuff here in my new home town. So, I guess Ive moved. Now to find new doctors for when the pixels fragment or the lab blows up. Moving is such a hassle, I envy the snake that only needs to crawl out to his water bowl once a day and eat a mouse once a week to stay alive. I have actually begun to talk to him out of sheer sympathy for his plight. OMG, no wonder he is depressed if that is what his dreary life consists of. I would hide under a rock too if I had three fat cats staring at me all the time wondering if I tasted better than dried cat food. (The cats came with the apartment along with the two roommates).

Signing off for now, but wondering how it is that you are the only person on this site that actually knows how to write more than two sentences back to back. Its amazing, Thinking of acquiring a partial face mask with ostrich plumes that I saw at Pier 1 Imports. I think it would make a more interesting picture for this site than the ubiquitous pair of sunglasses.

FD

****

Sunday October 29, 2017

Today – 2:20am

FD,

<edging back towards the exit> I think this site *knows* what we are doing here. Within the next week, I will move to another undisclosed location that <no shit> will leave me without access to the internet until December. I’ve had fun playing, and am signing off for now.

Kind regards, BB

****

October 29, 2017

To BB,

Unfortunately, your profile “thinks” you reside in the northwest, and I definitely live in the midwest for the time being. Meeting up would be difficult, to say the least. Although it would probably be fun and interesting to discuss how you torture your undergraduates, I can’t figure out how to key your undisclosed coordinates into my GPS locator. Hopefully, one of your applicants for lab assistant will be perfect for the job.

My total sympathies for your future lack of Internet,

a fellow kingdom leader,

FD

****

over and out…

 

 

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